Alcoholics Anonymous – Mind Control Cult?
I’ve been dating this woman for more than a year. She spent her 20’s drunk and high, but she’s been sober for ten years. Now she is having trouble with business reverses (she’s in real estate) and is depressed. So her dad, always ready to insure her continued dependency, and himself hardly a role model of functional sobriety, has convinced her to go back to AA after five years without AA and ten years not drinking. The program is making her increasingly weird, self-centered, helpless, isolated. AA is becoming her whole life. I’ve studied the mind control cults and what she describes at AA really smacks of religious zombification a la the Moonies. Example: We were going to the symphony for a Led Zeppelin tribute, but she’s cancelled because her women’s AA group is having a retreat this weekend and gave her this "you have to decide whether you’re committed to working on your problems or to going to this concert." And they finally compromised and told her they would "allow" her to go to the concert, but had to return to the retreat immediately afterwards. Her other friends are reporting that she’s stopped doing things with them, returning her calls, etc. It’s her choice of course, but this really seems to be only adding to her problems, not helping. I’m thinking about moving on. I have real feelings for her and hate to see her spend the rest of her life at an AA pity party just because her dad wants company in his misery, but I’m not sure what to do or how to make this better. Any ideas? Experience with AA?
Wow. I appreciate all the answers, Obviously there are mixed feelings out there about AA. I realize this is her thing and while her past with alcohol and drugs is not about me, this relationship is not jsut about her either, and certainly isn’t about her past addiction to alcohol, one she whipped ten years ago, as much as it is about an addiction to seeking her emotionally unavailable daddy’s approval.
So these are the characteristics of a mind-control cult:
1. Religious Orientation, Supernatural Beliefs
2. Irrationality, Rigidity, Anti-Intellectualism
3. A Charismatic Leader
4. A Hierarchical, Authoritarian Structure
5. Submission of the Individual to the "Will of God"
6. Dogmatism, the Ultimate Truth
7. Separatism
8. Exclusivity (The Only Path To Salvation)
9. Self-Absorption (Primary Focus Is the Cult Itself)
10. Economic Exploitation
11. Possessiveness (Go To Great Lengths to Retain Members)
12. Mind Control Techniques; Intimidation
13. A Closed, All-Encompassing Environment (Physical)
14. Deceptive Recruitment Techniques (Deception; Set Up "Fronts")
15. Manipulation Through Guilt
16. Millennarianism (The End Is Near)
17. Harassment and Assurance of Doom for Apostates
Sounds like AA to me. I think I’m gonna move on if this continues. There’s nothing attractive about having the rest of my life orbiting someone’s drug addiction.
AA is not a fully blown mind control cult like the moonies, but it has widespread coercive influence over vulnerable people. There are also a lot of members who drank partly because they hold rigid ways of viewing things and instead of resolving this when they sober up, they simply ‘rigidly’ believe in the AA proposition. It is often unfortunate. If you can get your girlfriend to look a smartrecovery.org this is a much more rational approach in my view.
January 29th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
Addictive personalities are very serious, they need strong support networks and strong therapy.. This may look to to you like a cult, but it is not. She has to have the support of a self help group or her addictive personality will just pick new addiction. She many seem addicted here but this is a healthy addiction.
She will always need some kind of help,from you also if you plan on making your relationship long term.
Thin k of her as a person with a lifelong disease who will always need medication for it. except her medication is therapy .
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working on a Masters in Counseling
January 30th, 2010 at 12:28 am
I have no experience with AA. That sounds crazy. Does she have her own mind and a backbone? It seems to me part of the recovery would be the ability to make good decisions and to become more assertive. Take control of your life versus letting someone else do it for you. What does she want to do? If she’s depressed then it seems that it would be better for her to see a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or her medical doctor for treatment options.
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January 30th, 2010 at 12:58 am
I agree with your assessment of AA. Regarding your girl, that’s a tough call. Sounds like you’ll have to separate her from her father, which is not fair to you, her or him. If I were you, I’d move on, but make it clear to her why.
I did attend one AA meeting years ago. I decided to cope with my problem
alone, which I did. I have not been high for over 20 years. I still drink, but not like I used to.
Best of luck to you!
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January 30th, 2010 at 1:45 am
I have some family members involved in AA. It’s definitely a cultish organization. They aren’t at all objective. They are quick to label people addicts. If the person disagrees, they are in "denial". They expect members to continue to attend meetings for life. The all or nothing approach doesn’t work for too many people. Alcoholics are told they’ll die if they take another drink. Then, when they drink again and don’t die, they’re told that they’ll die next time. My brother in law had alchol problem, and was in AA for years. He finally left AA and now can drink in moderation – once or twice a month. Of course, they think he’s lying to himself, and is going to end up dead. They admit their success rate is 5%!!! What other organization would even exist with a success rate that low???
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January 30th, 2010 at 1:51 am
Her father was correct in asking her to return to AA. The program is about her and not you. There are issues that she has to deal with and as she does this her feelings and life will change. It is easier for her to make the right choices when she is surrounded by people that think the same way. You might try Al-Anon as it might help you with your problems. Neither group is a cult but both can help you in ways that one cannot imagine. Be supportive of her by taking care of yourself and go to open AA meetings. That will give you a better understanding of what she is going through.
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physical therapist
January 30th, 2010 at 2:13 am
If you are truly curious call an AA hot line (in the phone book) and ask about an open meeting. Open means that everyone is welcome not just AA members. That way you can judge for yourself and not from what other people (including her) say.Remember when people relay a story they most likely tell you their version of it. You may walk away with a different view.
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January 30th, 2010 at 2:56 am
I went to AA for two years. There is a lot of pressure and guilt in the rooms of AA to stay on top of your spirituality and the people in the rooms. She probably felt obligated to be with the women during the retreat. That’s why I stopped going, there was a lot of pressure to do the "right" thing and be accountable to people. I wanted to relax and enjoy my sobriety, not feel guilty when I don’t call my sponsor one day. I have a relationship with god, and by no means is AA a religious group, but it is a SPIRITUAL group. If she just started going, she will probably lighten up after a little while and not feel so obligated to do what the people say in the rooms. I would wait it out.
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January 30th, 2010 at 3:29 am
"Religious" is not an accurate description of AA nor is "Cult".
Some AA groups have sort of gotten away from the practices outlined in the Big Book and become renegade groups. Do not be too harsh on the AA program based on your second hand information and relating to ONE GROUP. Following the AA suggestions as outlined in the book have proven successful in many a broken life.
Not sure about your gf group…….does not sound right. No one can tell anyone else what to do without their permission!!
A place for you to share your thoughts and to listen to how others deal with the issues that you have conveyed here (to take the power out of it) would be Alanon. It’s free and can help you to understand many many things about taking care of yourself. Sounds like she needs to go with you to deal with her codependency issues.
Good luck……
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longtime AA/Alanon member
January 30th, 2010 at 4:07 am
You should try going to Al-anon.
It might help alot!
AA is her program and she has to work it the way she sees it.
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January 30th, 2010 at 4:48 am
AA is gay as fuckkkkkk ive been sober for 2 years now and have no dicier to start drinking. to AA standers i need to go to an AA meeting every week for the rest of my life.even if i live to be 80 years old!
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they say you fight it every day for the rest of your life which is BULLSHITT!!! you do need it for a year thats all not 50!
January 30th, 2010 at 5:10 am
AA is not a fully blown mind control cult like the moonies, but it has widespread coercive influence over vulnerable people. There are also a lot of members who drank partly because they hold rigid ways of viewing things and instead of resolving this when they sober up, they simply ‘rigidly’ believe in the AA proposition. It is often unfortunate. If you can get your girlfriend to look a smartrecovery.org this is a much more rational approach in my view.
References :
25 yrs sober, first 12 in AA
January 30th, 2010 at 5:22 am
I am a recovered alcoholic who went to AA meetings for nine years and left the program over a year ago (and am doing fine, thank you, sober 10+ years). What is going on with your girlfriend is a perfect example of why I left.
I don’t know if I would call AA a full-fledged cult, but the sort of thing you describe is very common. Of course, it is extremely unhealthy to live like this, but there is tremendous pressure to keep doing it because they tell you if you don’t, you’ll drink again (and die).
I find it extremely unfortunate that your girlfriend freed herself after five years but has gotten sucked back in after finding herself in a vulnerable place emotionally. It would have been so much better had she relied on her own resources, and non-AA support, as this would have provided evidence that she is NOT powerless. What a shame.
With that said, I do not know what to suggest regarding your future with this woman. It is possible that, since she walked away before, she may do so again, at which point you can share with her your observations about the affect the program had on her. If you really love her, it may be worth your while to give this a bit of time and see how it plays out.
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June 16th, 2010 at 2:37 am
I have just left AA after 8 months. AA is exactly that A CULT! It claims that it is not religious and great care is given to claiming that it is a spiritual program. I did not get a sponsor, as quite frankly I found them all too weird. I came to the conclusion that AA is full of mentally ill sociopaths who are unable to express or control there emotions. I found it really hard to get on with people in the rooms, and thought there was something wrong with me. It was only when I started speaking to my friends outside the rooms, I realised that the issues of communication were the peoples in AA and not mine. I have not had a drink since leaving AA, nor has my behaviour spireled out of control. I would strongly advise people to avoid AA like the plague unless you are looking for God. The twelve step insists that by now you have handed you will over to the power of God,handed your life over to his works, and go out to recruit new vunerable members who are easy to manipulate. It even gives you instructions on how you should recruit. It is all very scary, and I am very happy to be well out of it!
June 17th, 2010 at 5:29 am
I am clean & sober 23 years, got sober in gay AA. It was very open minded, liberal group. It was helpful & supportive. Stopped meetings 3 years ago after going to mainstream meeting in No. County San Diego. These are serious ill people. I did a lot of research, & now avoid AA, it is fear based with no professional guidance. Professionals should avoid recommending them. The social recovery idea is good, AA is not the answer a 5% success rate sucks. The religious / spiritual angle is unnecessary for recovery, a change in perspective is. Therapy works as well. Happier than ever. Lots of people leave AA and are fine, AA says different, but they only see people who come back. The others they assume are drinking or dead, a classic case of flawed logic. AA is full of that. Their chapter to agnostics & atheists basically says you will eventually find god. Cult it is.